The agony of faithlessness

Today, Monday, is Memorial Day, and a holiday from work.

About 2 pm, I take the rollers and the track stand to nearby school track. My plan is to pedal at least one hour and run after that. The weather is about 80 degrees and partly sunny.

Yesterday I put a cyclecomputer onto my bicycle. So, riding the rollers, I would have the display to look at and the timer.

I decided to ride the rollers first. The first ten minutes went by without much strain. I was happy about that. I took a break for water at 20 minutes, and again at 40 minutes. About a minute & 1/2 each, and I remain on the bicycle, just stop pedaling. Plus a short stop in pedaling at 30 minutes.

The last twenty minutes I stopped a couple of times. Turned a bigger gear some of the time. Why this is so hard I can't understand.

But, I will say, today, I began to wonder why I am struggling to train. At best I'm getting in 6 hours of training per week from May 6 to June 16. And of that, only three are pedaling. That's hardly enough to ride the 117 mile Tour stage on July 8 or thereabout. On top of that, I'm pressed at work, to complete a load of tasks prior to June 30. The Etape is starting to seem a futile endeavor. And, that makes it mentally tough to train.

Then, after pedaling to about 1 hour, five minutes (extra five to account for the breaks), I stop, rest a lot, then change clothes to do as much running as I could.

And the running too was mentally difficult. I like to run. I was so slow, and on more than one occasion, I had to stop and walk. This is pitiful, discouraging. All I wanted to do was run three miles, and that with sit-up breaks in between. I did not manage even that. I walked 400 meters between miles. Worn out, feeble, exhausted, both mentally and physically.

I hope that some of this weariness was a result of not enough calories this morning. I had two Cliff Bars. But of course, I'd eaten plenty the day and evening before.

What it seemed like was that I did not have the heart and faith to do this training. Thoughts of aging, weakness, mortality and my life's purpose, along with doubts, thoughts of failures, mistakes and sins and struggles likewise about work tasks, all filled my mind and oh what torture and agony.

I said, to myself, I must call on the Lord and his word, to encourage myself in him. But in that, I have to wonder, what does he think about two hours of exercise and an attempt to ride L'Alpe d'Huez?

What a great God who has loved me and cared for me and has all wisdom and power, who hears my prayer I trust, who is near, and I will let my requests be made known unto him and trust that the peace of God will keep my mind and heart through Christ Jesus.